Thursday, November 1, 2012

RAW! No Sugar Coating Here...

I'm not sure where this is going to go. I just know, I need to write. I'm not going to sugar coat anything. I'm tired of people thinking I have it all together. Because, I don't. Far from it. This is just me. A mother of three who struggles every day to keep her sanity.

I'm the mom of a special needs child. He is diagnosed as Autistic, but it is not a diagnosis that we are 100% sure about yet. Sometimes we see it, sometimes we don't. I just don't get it. But, yes, we are sticking with the Autistic diagnosis for the time being so that our son can get the services he needs. One of the hardest things of being a parent is knowing that there is something not right with your child and not knowing what it is. Having other people tell you that there is nothing wrong and make you feel like you are crazy for even thinking there is when they don't know a thing about your child makes it that much harder. Well, as much as I hate to say it, there IS something wrong. And no, YOU don't get to tell me that there is nothing wrong, he is just a typical kid pressing buttons and trying to get a rise out of you, because YOU don't live with this every day. YOU don't see the screaming, the yelling, the meltdowns. You don't see my son punch himself in his head or in his stomach when he gets so frustrated with himself and he can't get his words out. I see it. I see it almost on a daily basis. And it kills me inside. You don't see how he loses control of himself when it comes time to get ready for school in the mornings. How he doesn't want to go to school, but he does. And he can't find a middle ground. He just screams, I WANT TO GO, but yet he won't get ready to go. You don't have to deal with that battle. I do. EVERY DAY. YOU don't get to tell me your "diagnosis" and dismiss the Dr's diagnosis because YOU think you know better. YOU don't live with this. YOU know nothing about our life! I'm told to try rewards, take things away, use a chart! Well, it doesn't work. What it does, it fuels the fire. The meltdowns get more intense, louder, harder to deal with. In fact, sometimes it can start a whole different meltdown. 

I love my son. He is a miracle. He really is. We are very lucky he wasn't born at 29 weeks when I went in to preterm labor with him. Things could be so much different right now, and not for the better. So, I truly understand just how much of a miracle this child is. And I am thankful for him. But, I struggle. Every day. I am in tears. And every day I feel guilty about how I feel. I live through the guilt every day thinking I did something to "cause this" Was it the medicine I was on while I was pregnant? Was it the medicine they used to stop my labor and keep my contractions under control for 2 months? Was it the vaccines? Was it this? Was it that? I DON'T KNOW! What I know is that my son is having a hard time which therefore means his daddy and I are both having a hard time, too. We struggle seeing him upset, seeing him in the midst of a meltdown and not knowing how to get him grounded again. We are a trying. We are a work in progress. 

I have such a hard time seeing all of these other parents write about how much they enjoy parenthood. How much they enjoy being in the presence of their children. How their child can do no wrong. I hate not feeling like that. I hate dreading walking out of my bedroom in the mornings because I know that the next war is on the other side. But, what I hate the most? Knowing I will be judged for feeling this way. Knowing that all of those "perfect" mom's out there will look down on me and think I am an abomination to motherhood. I'm a mom to a special needs child. I'm supposed to be Super Woman or something, right? Well, I was skipped when the super powers were being handed out. I must have overslept or something. Right now, I feel like my only super power is being able to cry at the first sign of a meltdown from my 6 year old!

I'm real. I'm not perfect. I don't have my sanity fully in tact. I live day by day as best as I can even if it means I begin or end the day in tears or begin AND end the day in tears. I try to push aside the "opinion's" of everyone else for fear of what I might say to them. I try to be OK with the lack of support we get from certain family and friends. I try to understand. Even though, for the life of me I can't. I get by. We are just trying to figure all of this out.

But, most of all I try to embrace the sweet moments that come every so often, and try to forget the rough moments when I feel like I can't do it anymore. I enjoy the moments when homework goes well and we get through sight words without head banging and binder slamming. I enjoy the moments when all three kids are playing a game together in one of their rooms and they are laughing and giggling and thoroughly enjoying each others company, even if it only lasts 5 minutes. Those brief 5 minutes don't come often enough. I enjoy getting the notes home every Friday telling me how many times Nicholas was caught making right choices and being kind to others.  I enjoy the random hugs and kisses and him telling me how much he loves me even when "his brain tells him to do bad things". I love the mornings that are smooth sailing, no meltdowns, no hiding so he doesn't have to get ready, no door slamming or head banging in to walls, and no screaming.

Our life isn't always rainbows and butterflies. But, we survive. I'm sure someday I will look back on all of this and realize life wasn't as difficult as it seemed at the time, that maybe I am stronger than I think. But, right now, it's tough. And, yeah, I complain on Facebook. I post my frustrations. But, like I said. I'm being real.I share my struggles and my frustrations AS WELL as the warm fuzzy moments that make my heart melt.

( Just a disclaimer, the "YOU" mentioned in all of this is no one in particular... so, please don't feel the need to take offense and think it is directed at... YOU! )

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1 comment:

Melanie said...

la la... you are a GREAT mother, and you have so much love and compassion in your heart. You are doing what is very best for Nicholas every day and that is just trying to find what works for him in that moment. No one else has the answers.

I do know this... God works all things together for GOOD for those who love Him, according to His purpose.

He created Nicholas with a distinct purpose (and all of our kids!) and His will for him is so much grander than you or I could understand.

*hug* I love you chica, you know you can vent to me anytime you need to.


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