Monday, September 19, 2011

A little bit about life...

I've been meaning to come back here and write up another post. Or rather a few posts, since it has already been a month since my last one. But, I realize, life is busy. And frankly, it has been REALLY overwhelming lately. I can't keep apologizing (mostly to myself) for not updating this. I've been having a bit of a hard time with a lot of stuff, and I hate feeling like I am sugar coating everything for the sake of my blog. Life has been rough. Obviously, it has not been unbearable. I know there are many many MANY people who have things a million times worse than me. And, it's not even that things are bad per say. It is just overwhelming. Honestly, I have a WONDERFUL life! I have an incredible, supportive husband. I have 3 healthy children, we have a roof over our heads, and we have everything else that we may need. There are just small things that I let get to me. I need to work on this.

I've always had episodes of insomnia here and there. It wasn't an every night thing. In fact, it was only once in a great while. Then these episode came more frequently. And now, I feel like it is all the time. The lack of sleep is causing me to be exhausted all the time. The exhaustion is causing me to feel like a walking zombie and not get much done. It's also causing me to be really short with my kids. And I hate that. I hate feeling like I am constantly yelling all the time. I don't want to be THAT mom that is a non stop SCREAMING monster mommy. I want to enjoy this time with my kids, because I know them being this little isn't going to last forever. My oldest is about to turn 8 in 2 months!

Things have been really rough with Nicholas lately. It has always been a bit difficult with him behavior wise. He has always been very strong willed and difficult to please. But, things are getting more and more trying, and it is so hard to work with him and keep my sanity. It's been very frustrating and we have both ended up in tears on many occasions. I am feeling like I deserve a big bad mommy award. Seriously! I know he is trying his hardest, and I know a lot of his behavior he can't help. We are working on finding different things that calm him. But the process is slow, and it is beyond frustrating. I love all of Nicholas... every part of who he is.... almost? Goodness, that makes me feel like a crappy parent. Because I don't love when he gets in to these uncontrollable meltdowns. But I love when he is happy and sweet and cuddly!! I don't love when I have to bear hug him while we are both in tears trying to get him to stop whaling and flailing. But, I do love when he gives me hugs for no reason! I don't love when he can't sit still and work with me on his homework or whatever else we need to work on, but instead gets up with tons of different excuses. Which then turns in to a meltdown because I have to keep getting on him for not working. But, I do love when he is focused on something (usually trains, or something he has turned in to a train! lol) and he is excited to show it to me and share it with me! These massive meltdowns have been happening so much lately, that it almost seems to be a part of our daily routines. It doesn't seem like it should be normal. But, for us... I guess it is normal. Some weeks it seems like the rough times outweigh the more relaxed happy times.  We are working so hard to try and find a way to keep him grounded. To keep him from getting over stimulated with stuff. But, what works for his occupational therapists in their rooms, doesn't always work for us at home.  But, we just keep pressing forward. We'll get things figured out soon. Where is that big, red easy button when you need it!!! I love this kid!!! I really, really do!! I wish things weren't so difficult for him. I know it is just as frustrating for him as it is for us.

It's also been pretty frustrating not knowing where we stand with Adam's orders. Are we moving to Alaska in 3 months? Or are we staying here at Barksdale for the rest of his military career?! Three months may seem like a long time yet. But, when it comes to such a big move... it really isn't! I have so much preparing to do if we are indeed going! I have to buy the kids A TON of winter clothes! They don't really need winter clothes here since it can stay in the 50's and 60's in the middle of "winter". I need to get them some good snow boots (again, things they don't need here), heavy winter coats (seeing a pattern yet?), and snow suits (bet people from here have never even SEEN a snow suit!!!). And all of that is going to cost a ton of money! So, I need to start shopping ... 2 months ago! We are pretty certain we are going. But, there is that small chance that we won't. We are still waiting to hear back on the medical clearance on all of us. And Nicholas needs to get on the EFMP yet for his Autism diagnosis. But, that has to be done by the behavior specialist on base. Her nurse was out of town for a bit and not scheduling appointments, the dr is out of town this week. So, we are waiting on a call to have an appointment scheduled, but the Dr is booking a month out. So, it will still be a bit before they get him on the program! This whole process has been draining. It will all work out somehow.. right?! It's gotta!!! We NEED to get out of here. We have been here for 7 years now and we need somewhere different. The morale here is shot. And it seems the whole base is depressed. Alaska is a place Adam and I have always dreamed of going! So, we are REALLY hoping this works out!

On a lighter note, Mackenzie lost tooth number 7 today! She showed me last night that it was bleeding a little and it was really wiggly! So, I am guessing she hadn't stopped playing with it until it gave weigh! She pulled it out on the bus on the way home from school. When the bus stopped in front of the house all of the kids were cheering for her and shouting MACKENZIE LOST HER TOOTH!!! It was too funny!!! She was so excited! She has so many plans with her $1 she will get! ( from mommy and daddy, we don't do the tooth fairy ) She said that as soon as she gets it, she wants to go to Target to see if they still have books in the dollar bins! I love that this girl LOVES to read!!! She is in the middle of Black Beauty and the Junie B. Jones series! She is doing pretty good in school! She was all A's for the first few weeks, but just recently dropped two of her grades down to B's.... not sure how it happened, but we are working hard to bring her grades back up. Bedtimes have been bumped up and homework is now RIGHT after school. So, we will see if this helps her bring those grades up.

Maddybug is missing her brother and sister while they are at school. But, we're constantly on the go, so our days pass by rather quickly! This little girl is such a chatter box!!! She is a little comedian!! She is always keeping us laughing! We are working on her ABC's and colors! She is such a little fashion diva. She has to pick out her clothes and if I pick out something for her and she doesn't like it... she will LET.ME.KNOW! She is very picky about what she wears!!! We are still working on the potty training. It was going well for a while, then she fell off the wagon. Then she was back on board again, then she fell off, then she wanted to go on the potty again.. and now she doesn't. The girl is giving me whip lash! I think we may wait until we find out what is going on with Alaska before we try again. If we are going, I think we will wait until we get there and settled. I know she will be 3 by then, but I don't want to do too many transitional things at once. If we aren't going... well, then we will just try and try and try again!

I have a lot more I could write about. Mostly complaining. I seem to be good at that now a days. But, I don't want to clutter my blog with all of that nonsense, when really... life is good! We are definitely blessed. And I know I need to focus on all of the good going on in our lives! Sometimes, I let these things get the worst of me! Especially after a rough day when it is all just brewing! So, I'm off to count my blessings now! :)
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1 comment:

Sarah said...

It's ok to admit that you're suffering and in pain, that it doesn't all make sense and that life is complicated. You don't have to minimize it, cover it in platitudes or list the shoulda's coulda's... Look at the psalms..and even Jesus' example when He struggled. I wonder how all of this affects your walk with God.. I'm praying for you and your family today Laura!


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